For years I've watched friends play golf.  From the sidelines, it's enjoyable but not much fun.  One day, I was watching a golf tournament on TV and saw a female caddie.  I suddenly had a lightbulb moment: I can't play golf, but maybe I could be an occasional caddie.

My friend "Steve" is an avid golfer who likes to walk the course, so I asked him if I could be his caddie.

"What?!?  Did you say you want to carry my golf bag?" Steve said.

Two weeks before the big event, I did extra reps of exercises to strengthen my back muscles.  When the day came, I was good and ready.

The Big Day

Steve, his golf buddies, my back brace, and I are on the golf course.  The sun is shining; there is a slight breeze; and the group ahead of us is not playing slowly. It's a great day for golf.

Because Steve walks the course, he carries the bare minimum in his golf bag: 14 clubs, golf balls, tees, extra gloves, golf towel, umbrella, rule book, scorecard, two small pencils, couple of quarters for markers, one bottled water, a banana, and a couple of energy bars.

My intention is to carry the golf bag and the paraphernalia that probably weighs 22 pounds for 9 holes or more.

After Steve hits his first tee shot, I pick up the golf bag.  We start walking the course.  I'm not a real caddie and as a result, I don't help with strategy or yardage.  But I do give Steve the appropriate club that he asks for, wipe off the dirt or grass from the club, and rake the bunker.  Hole after hole I'm enjoying myself because I'm playing golf vicariously through Steve.  Everything is peachy.

However, as the day progresses I noticed that it's getting warmer.  It must be at least 85 degrees with no breeze.  What happened to the breeze?

Somewhere between the 6th and 7th holes, there is a tectonic shift.  An earthquake is coming.  My forehead starts to sweat under the golf cap. Small drops of water are forming at the temples.  The strap of the golf bag is digging into my shoulder.  The muscles of my calves are cramping up. And I have periodic shortness of breath.  

Steve is having a decent day on the golf course, so I don't want to interrupt.  Now I'm schlepping around a golf bag full of rocks.  Every time Steve looks over to see how I'm doing, I force a smile and give him two thumbs up.

It's the 8th hole.  I don't know how I got here.  After Steve finishes the hole, I decide to say something before I collapse on the golf course.

"Steve," I whispered, "do you have a moment?"  Steve comes over.  "I've got bad news.  I'm not cut out to be a golf caddie.  It has nothing to do with you.  I'm quitting because this job is killing me."

"You can't quit now," Steve joked, taking the golf bag from me.  "We've got the back nine to play."

"Yeah, well, the back nine is going to have to live without me."

"You know, Bev, it's too bad you're quitting because one of my golf buddies wants you to carry his bag.  You might have a career as a golf caddie."

"Very funny, Steve.  I'll keep that in mind.  Right now, I'm going to the clubhouse."

"Feel better.  See you at the clubhouse in a couple of hours."

If Only 

If I had powerful muscular legs, the stamina of a long distance runner, and the strength of steel, I could have made it to the 9th hole and beyond.  But, alas, I didn't.  So there went my career as a golf caddie.

I'm back to being a spectator, unless I have another lightbulb moment.




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I've been around golf most of my adult life as a spectator.  The position of the body after a golf swing isn't good for my bad back, knees, and posture.  I have to watch the sport rather than partake in it.  So, from the sidelines this is what I've learned about golf.

Starting with Golf Vocabulary

I learned early on that there are good words and bad words in golf.  

The good words are: 

• "It's in the hole!"
• Hole-in-one
• Eagle
• Birdie
• Par
• Low handicapper

The bad words are:

• "Fore!"
• Out-of-bounds
• Three-putt
• Quadruple bogey
• High handicapper
• Bunker
• Hook
• Tree
• Water
• Wind
• Whiff

All of the above are not just mere words.  They create intense emotions in a player. The good words will get a fist pump.  The bad words might make a player throw a club and mutter an expletive.

Golf: Not Just Another Popular Sport

Golf is an extremely popular sport.  The game is slooow and methodical, and it takes four to five hours to complete a round of golf.  That's a long day at the golf course.  Most players don't even notice the time.  For me, by the fourth hour, I'm ready to go to the clubhouse for that cold beverage.

For a while, I couldn't figure out why golf is such a big deal.  It involves men and women spending their weekend chasing a small white ball and trying to put it into a small hole.  It's just another popular sport, right?

I posed this question to an avid golfer-friend who has played the sport for years. After he got over the absurd question, he tried to explain how golf was different from other sports.

The Difference Between Golf and Other Sports

Cost.  Golf is an expensive sport.  The average player should have the following equipment and necessities: golf bag, 14 clubs, covers for the clubs, lots of golf balls, tees, golf gloves, golf clothes, golf shoes, waterproof shoes, rain suit, golf umbrella, golf towels, money for greens fee, and possibly money for golf lessons.

Ca-ching!

A gentleman's sport.  A player plays the game according to the Book of Golf Etiquette & Rules.  That's right, there's a book on etiquette.  For example, there is absolutely NO talking or moving around when a player is about to hit the ball. If you talk or move and a player makes a bad shot, run for the hills as fast as you can.  It's your fault.  The player isn't going to be happy, and he will be looking for you.

An individual sport.  Golf is an individual sport, not a team sport.

The honor system.  The game is played by the honor system.  If a player makes a mistake, he must call a penalty on himself.

Mental sport.  The game requires a great deal of thinking as to what to do with a small white ball and a bunch of clubs.  The player creates a plan to get the ball into the hole in as few shots as possible.  I find the plan a bit amusing because from what I can see, conditions on the golf course keep changing.  Therefore, the player is constantly modifying the plan.  It's almost as if there's no set plan to play golf, but to be without a plan is insanity.

The sitting ball.  In other sports, the player reacts and moves the ball almost immediately.  In golf, the ball can sit there for a few minutes basking in the sun while the player thinks about what to do with it.

A versatile sport.  Golf can be played in a variety of conditions: in the rain, in the wind, in the scorching heat, in the sand, in the water; and among ducks, gophers, squirrels, and other inhabitants of the golf course.
Early bird tee time.  Many players are so gung-ho about golf that they are willing to play the game early in the morning.  The early birds can start playing golf at 6:30 a.m, the first available tee off time. I'm convinced that if there were a tee time for 5:00 a.m., players would be teeing off in the dark.

The caddie.  The professional golfer has an assistant: the caddie.  No other sport comes to mind that allows a professional athlete to have a helper who participates in the game.  The caddie's job is not to wipe the sweat off the pro's brow.  His job is to carry the golf bag, help calculate yardage, give advice on strategy, and give moral support.  The caddie is on the course to lighten the load so that the pro can think . . . think . . . think . . . about what to do with the ball and the different clubs.

Golf: What's Not to Like?

Golf from the sidelines has been an interesting way to learn about the game.  It's better to participate than to watch.  Nevertheless, watching friends play golf has been educational and enjoyable.

It's fun and exciting when a player puts a small ball into a small hole.  The sound of the ball going into the hole is sweet music to a player's ear.  It never gets old.

Golf is a dynamic, complicated, and mentally challenging sport.  It can also be a frustrating sport.  As my avid golfer-friend explains, the game is straightforward. It becomes complicated and frustrating when the ball has a mind of its own.





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